Undercover Pain

I really like being told that I'm a liar or my opinions don't matter, especially from my family. Since my last blog post, I finally decided to open up and actually discuss what Alexx did to me: the rape, the abuse, everything. However, when I chose to speak to other people about my problems, other things came up as well. First of all, I don't want to insinuate that I am any way ungrateful to the people that are helping me get through all my problems. I love them for actually showing that they want me to work through all of this pain that I'm dealing with and proving that I mean more to them that a silly little blip on a screen because, to be honest, that's all these words are anymore - a blip of my personality on a computer screen for all you readers to embrace as exactly who I am. Me. That's it. But, as I said, there are cons to telling a minor few people on the details on my rape. People watch me closer than ever now. They start asking the questions that p...

It's been a year since I've started dating my fiance Mikey and it's more intense than ever. We love each other more than anything, but there are times when it's hard. Sometimes, he games for hours on end and completely forgets about me. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize that I'm in the same room. Sometimes, I feel like how I used to be. Invisible. Unnoticed. Alone. I worry about those moments because I get scared that I could get bad again. Fall into my old patterns of listening to the voices and start harming myself again. Mentally (hearing the voices and agreeing that I'm worthless), emotionally (accepting that I am indeed worthless and unwanted), and physically (cutting, scratching, taking pills). I worry about the bad days when I can't stop the voices or the thoughts or anything. Mikey doesn't know that it's getting bad again, and I don't want him to. I want him to believe that I am okay, that I can make it through this, that I am stro...