Charades
It's been a year since I've started dating my fiance Mikey and it's more intense than ever. We love each other more than anything, but there are times when it's hard. Sometimes, he games for hours on end and completely forgets about me. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize that I'm in the same room. Sometimes, I feel like how I used to be. Invisible. Unnoticed. Alone. I worry about those moments because I get scared that I could get bad again. Fall into my old patterns of listening to the voices and start harming myself again. Mentally (hearing the voices and agreeing that I'm worthless), emotionally (accepting that I am indeed worthless and unwanted), and physically (cutting, scratching, taking pills). I worry about the bad days when I can't stop the voices or the thoughts or anything.
Mikey doesn't know that it's getting bad again, and I don't want him to. I want him to believe that I am okay, that I can make it through this, that I am strong. I don't want him to see the worthless, weak little girl that I am molding myself into, that I am becoming, that I always have been. I don't want him to know the woman he loves isn't the woman he knows. I'm worse than that. All he really knows is the fantasy - the woman he thinks he loves. All I know, all I want him to know, is that he can love a version of me that I could be. If anything, the woman he loves was there. I don't know where she is anymore.
Mikey is currently sat at his computer like he is most nights, shouting at his screen and discussing powerful Rocket League shots with his friends on the other side of the world. He thinks everything is okay, and that's how it should be. He doesn't need to know I haven't slept properly in months. Let me rephrase that. I've slept. I've closed my eyes and fallen asleep, but as soon as I close my eyes, I fall into a nightmare. Every night the nightmare changes, so it's something scarier every night. I can't tell anyone about this because everyone thinks I'm okay. Everyone thinks I'm fine. And maybe one day, I could be. I keep lying, using the words that keep everyone else's mind at ease. Fine. Okay. Perfect. As in, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sure I'll be okay. Everything's perfect."
But as far as I can tell right now, I'm not fine. I won't be okay. Everything is not perfect. All the things in my life are negative currently. I don't have enough funds to support myself. I am not prepared to work on this wedding planning alone. My period is late and if I am pregnant, how am I going to deal with a child if I can't support myself currently. Nothing is going right. I don't feel like myself. But if I tell someone, they'll send me to the hospital and give me medicine to numb my mind just so I can tell everyone those special words again. Fine. Okay. Perfect. Everyone just wants to hear those words so they don't have to deal with other people's problems anymore.
I've learned I have to be a silent warrior in order to be the person that everyone wants to be around. I have to be silent about my issues because no one wants to hear my drama. All in all, there's not one thing that can fix me and not one person who can heal my heart. Mikey can only do so much, and it hurts knowing what could happen. If I don't find a way to fix myself on my own, he could leave me like everyone else has. He says he wouldn't leave me unless I cheated on him but it hurts knowing that his life is being ruined by my problems. It hurts knowing that I'm dependent on him and his family to keep me happy. Maybe, in the end, I'm not supposed to be happy. That's not how my story ends. Maybe my song is a melancholy ballad instead of a happy-go-lucky dance melody.
I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade. One of these days, I'm just going to break down and there's nothing I can stop myself from my demise. I'll break and crack and fall until I'm completely shattered, until I'm nothing. At least I'm good at charades, at facades, at fantasy. I can fake a smile and learn to breathe through the pain. I've done it since I could learn how to tie my shoes. There have been good parts: happy, laughing times, meeting Mikey, learning to love. But in the end, I don't think I'm worth the battle or the risk.
This past week, I came out to Mikey and told him about my rape. I told him everything that Alexx did to me. And you know what he did? He blocked everything out. He didn't choose to listen because it was too unbearable for him. Unbearable for him? What about for me? How do you think I felt when he pulled my pants down and forced himself on me? I was forced to say that I enjoyed it with a blade to my throat. I lost my soul that day, and it's not bearable for my fiance to hear about any of it. I laugh to think what he'll say when he finds out that I learned that I can't have any kids.
Ever since Alexx, my life has become a downpour of tragedy. Yes, there was Mikey, but Alexx chose to give me a disastrous ending. He chose to break me so far down that I don't believe my fiance when he calls me any kind of beautiful. He chose to completely destroy me by making sure I couldn't have any kids after what he did to me. And you know the funny thing? My parents, my ever-loving parents who are so protective of me, still have yet to learn about the situation of my own rape. I was completely silent, and after Alexx died, there was no way people would be able to believe me. Alexx's suicide was the perfect way to cover his tracks. I'd never told my family about Alexx because he was the exact type of person they'd shun at the door, the person you don't bring home to Mother Dearest. They'd never met the man, and apparently I'd lied so much to them about trivial things that they'd barely believe me about anything. My trust was already shattered by the time a truthful fact came along. They wouldn't believe me if I'd told them anyways, so how would they care that their little girl was completely shattered inside? That she still is?
There's no way to bring this story to a happy ending unless I disappear or completely ignore my past. Alexx Wyatt ruined me, my past, my present, and any future I was planning on having. There's no way I can be happy unless I fix myself completely or if I choose to keep everyone I love in the dark about my feelings. I'll have to use those healing lies that I learned at a young age. When I say I'm fine, I'll be saying I'm destroyed. When I say "Yeah, I'm okay." I'll really mean "I'm empty inside." And when I say "Everything's perfect." I'll be saying...Help me.
I'm disappearing like Humpty Dumpty. With every crack to my confidence and my power, I'm losing just a little bit more. With every hurtful word, just one more crack gets added to the already broken outer layer. And with one last crack, there will be no more of me to see. I just wish there was some way I could talk to someone about how I'm slowly slipping away. My family? They're too busy focusing how they're being abandoned by me. My sister? She's too busy with school. My friends? They're too busy with their own problems. And my fiance, who admits to loving my past away, the man who just days ago admitted that he could be there for me through anything? He's busy disappearing into his own world with his own brand-new life in his games. Everyone has vanished in their own lives and are too busy to deal with a little nobody like me.
That's exactly who I am to them. Nobody. I am not worth their time or their help. And for Mikey? Well, I don't deserve to be with someone like him. He doesn't deserve a broken mess of a helpless girl. He deserves someone who can be there through everything, someone who can love him the way he should be loved. He shouldn't have to pick up my pieces whenever pieces of myself get shattered and cast aside. It would be so much easier if I could just walk away from everything. There's no way I could learn to love the way Mikey should be loved. I'm too broken for anyone to love. And I'm to hurt to learn to love again. If I could just disappear, it would be so much easier for everyone else. Maybe that's what I should be doing. I'll just disappear and everything will be better. Right?
Mikey doesn't know that it's getting bad again, and I don't want him to. I want him to believe that I am okay, that I can make it through this, that I am strong. I don't want him to see the worthless, weak little girl that I am molding myself into, that I am becoming, that I always have been. I don't want him to know the woman he loves isn't the woman he knows. I'm worse than that. All he really knows is the fantasy - the woman he thinks he loves. All I know, all I want him to know, is that he can love a version of me that I could be. If anything, the woman he loves was there. I don't know where she is anymore.
Mikey is currently sat at his computer like he is most nights, shouting at his screen and discussing powerful Rocket League shots with his friends on the other side of the world. He thinks everything is okay, and that's how it should be. He doesn't need to know I haven't slept properly in months. Let me rephrase that. I've slept. I've closed my eyes and fallen asleep, but as soon as I close my eyes, I fall into a nightmare. Every night the nightmare changes, so it's something scarier every night. I can't tell anyone about this because everyone thinks I'm okay. Everyone thinks I'm fine. And maybe one day, I could be. I keep lying, using the words that keep everyone else's mind at ease. Fine. Okay. Perfect. As in, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sure I'll be okay. Everything's perfect."
But as far as I can tell right now, I'm not fine. I won't be okay. Everything is not perfect. All the things in my life are negative currently. I don't have enough funds to support myself. I am not prepared to work on this wedding planning alone. My period is late and if I am pregnant, how am I going to deal with a child if I can't support myself currently. Nothing is going right. I don't feel like myself. But if I tell someone, they'll send me to the hospital and give me medicine to numb my mind just so I can tell everyone those special words again. Fine. Okay. Perfect. Everyone just wants to hear those words so they don't have to deal with other people's problems anymore.
I've learned I have to be a silent warrior in order to be the person that everyone wants to be around. I have to be silent about my issues because no one wants to hear my drama. All in all, there's not one thing that can fix me and not one person who can heal my heart. Mikey can only do so much, and it hurts knowing what could happen. If I don't find a way to fix myself on my own, he could leave me like everyone else has. He says he wouldn't leave me unless I cheated on him but it hurts knowing that his life is being ruined by my problems. It hurts knowing that I'm dependent on him and his family to keep me happy. Maybe, in the end, I'm not supposed to be happy. That's not how my story ends. Maybe my song is a melancholy ballad instead of a happy-go-lucky dance melody.
I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade. One of these days, I'm just going to break down and there's nothing I can stop myself from my demise. I'll break and crack and fall until I'm completely shattered, until I'm nothing. At least I'm good at charades, at facades, at fantasy. I can fake a smile and learn to breathe through the pain. I've done it since I could learn how to tie my shoes. There have been good parts: happy, laughing times, meeting Mikey, learning to love. But in the end, I don't think I'm worth the battle or the risk.
This past week, I came out to Mikey and told him about my rape. I told him everything that Alexx did to me. And you know what he did? He blocked everything out. He didn't choose to listen because it was too unbearable for him. Unbearable for him? What about for me? How do you think I felt when he pulled my pants down and forced himself on me? I was forced to say that I enjoyed it with a blade to my throat. I lost my soul that day, and it's not bearable for my fiance to hear about any of it. I laugh to think what he'll say when he finds out that I learned that I can't have any kids.
Ever since Alexx, my life has become a downpour of tragedy. Yes, there was Mikey, but Alexx chose to give me a disastrous ending. He chose to break me so far down that I don't believe my fiance when he calls me any kind of beautiful. He chose to completely destroy me by making sure I couldn't have any kids after what he did to me. And you know the funny thing? My parents, my ever-loving parents who are so protective of me, still have yet to learn about the situation of my own rape. I was completely silent, and after Alexx died, there was no way people would be able to believe me. Alexx's suicide was the perfect way to cover his tracks. I'd never told my family about Alexx because he was the exact type of person they'd shun at the door, the person you don't bring home to Mother Dearest. They'd never met the man, and apparently I'd lied so much to them about trivial things that they'd barely believe me about anything. My trust was already shattered by the time a truthful fact came along. They wouldn't believe me if I'd told them anyways, so how would they care that their little girl was completely shattered inside? That she still is?
There's no way to bring this story to a happy ending unless I disappear or completely ignore my past. Alexx Wyatt ruined me, my past, my present, and any future I was planning on having. There's no way I can be happy unless I fix myself completely or if I choose to keep everyone I love in the dark about my feelings. I'll have to use those healing lies that I learned at a young age. When I say I'm fine, I'll be saying I'm destroyed. When I say "Yeah, I'm okay." I'll really mean "I'm empty inside." And when I say "Everything's perfect." I'll be saying...Help me.
I'm disappearing like Humpty Dumpty. With every crack to my confidence and my power, I'm losing just a little bit more. With every hurtful word, just one more crack gets added to the already broken outer layer. And with one last crack, there will be no more of me to see. I just wish there was some way I could talk to someone about how I'm slowly slipping away. My family? They're too busy focusing how they're being abandoned by me. My sister? She's too busy with school. My friends? They're too busy with their own problems. And my fiance, who admits to loving my past away, the man who just days ago admitted that he could be there for me through anything? He's busy disappearing into his own world with his own brand-new life in his games. Everyone has vanished in their own lives and are too busy to deal with a little nobody like me.
That's exactly who I am to them. Nobody. I am not worth their time or their help. And for Mikey? Well, I don't deserve to be with someone like him. He doesn't deserve a broken mess of a helpless girl. He deserves someone who can be there through everything, someone who can love him the way he should be loved. He shouldn't have to pick up my pieces whenever pieces of myself get shattered and cast aside. It would be so much easier if I could just walk away from everything. There's no way I could learn to love the way Mikey should be loved. I'm too broken for anyone to love. And I'm to hurt to learn to love again. If I could just disappear, it would be so much easier for everyone else. Maybe that's what I should be doing. I'll just disappear and everything will be better. Right?
Comments
Post a Comment