Alone
I've considered suicide almost 30 times now and actually attempted it at least 5 times. I've had a shitty life. My mom and dad gave me a good life, but I was never any better than my sister. All throughout my almost 21 years of living on this Earth, I would hear: Jenny did this, Jenny did that, Why can't you be more like your sister? All this time, I feel like I've been treated second...and it's true. I came second. There's nothing I've done to be proud of. Since I've started dating Mikey, they've moved away from me like I was The Black Plague. I've never had them be proud of me before, why start now? I just feel like I can never do anything right by them, no matter what I do. There are certain moments of clarity but there's barely anything there anymore. But it's not like I can just drop them completely.
And over here isn't any different. It's all about Mikey over here: what medicines he's taking, how chemo is going, how he's feeling, how well he's sleeping. I'm just a caretaker now, a cancer patient's wife. I don't know where I start and where his appointments end. It isn't my place to say that I am no longer myself, but that's exactly how I feel at the moment. When I even mention something wrong with me, it's "I don't know how to help" or "what's wrong now" or even "people need you to help them, not make them depressed" or lastly, "you need to help yourself before anyone else helps you." But how? I feel so alone and I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm dying on the inside, but really? Who the fuck gives a shit right now? If it isn't about Mikey or his cancer or his treatment, no one here cares. Back at my parent's house, they have their own shit to deal with. I have nothing of my own to deal with apart from my depression, which is getting worse and worse by the moment. I need someone around me almost constantly. At least my work distracts me sometimes, but even that is stressing me out.
If I don't deal with my own shit now, I could lose myself completely. I could lose myself before I lose anyone else in my life. The shitty part is I already feel myself growing unattached to things I always used to have an interest in: writing, reading, TV shows, etc. It all means nothing. I'm barely a person anymore and I don't even know where to start: who to talk to, what to do, anything. I don't know how to cope with anything anymore, and if I even mention a syllable of what I'm going through, I feel stupid and selfish for even mentioning it...or I feel like I'm burdening people with my issues.
I have literally no one who understands what I'm going through. Between the cancer and the depression, my life is a big ball of shit that just keeps getting bigger and bigger with every bad thing that happens. If I had someone, anyone, that understood even a single thing of what I'm going through - maybe it'd be different. Maybe it'd be different if I was gone. All I know now is I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't know how much of a charade of happiness I can keep going. I might be depressed and angry and frustrated, but I don't want to be alone. More importantly, I don't want to fuck myself over so much I want to commit suicide like I've tried to do so many times before. I want to move on from this dreary path that I've created for myself. I want to live my life...and more importantly, I want to create a future with him. But I can't do that if I don't make myself stronger for him. But how?
And over here isn't any different. It's all about Mikey over here: what medicines he's taking, how chemo is going, how he's feeling, how well he's sleeping. I'm just a caretaker now, a cancer patient's wife. I don't know where I start and where his appointments end. It isn't my place to say that I am no longer myself, but that's exactly how I feel at the moment. When I even mention something wrong with me, it's "I don't know how to help" or "what's wrong now" or even "people need you to help them, not make them depressed" or lastly, "you need to help yourself before anyone else helps you." But how? I feel so alone and I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm dying on the inside, but really? Who the fuck gives a shit right now? If it isn't about Mikey or his cancer or his treatment, no one here cares. Back at my parent's house, they have their own shit to deal with. I have nothing of my own to deal with apart from my depression, which is getting worse and worse by the moment. I need someone around me almost constantly. At least my work distracts me sometimes, but even that is stressing me out.
If I don't deal with my own shit now, I could lose myself completely. I could lose myself before I lose anyone else in my life. The shitty part is I already feel myself growing unattached to things I always used to have an interest in: writing, reading, TV shows, etc. It all means nothing. I'm barely a person anymore and I don't even know where to start: who to talk to, what to do, anything. I don't know how to cope with anything anymore, and if I even mention a syllable of what I'm going through, I feel stupid and selfish for even mentioning it...or I feel like I'm burdening people with my issues.
I have literally no one who understands what I'm going through. Between the cancer and the depression, my life is a big ball of shit that just keeps getting bigger and bigger with every bad thing that happens. If I had someone, anyone, that understood even a single thing of what I'm going through - maybe it'd be different. Maybe it'd be different if I was gone. All I know now is I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't know how much of a charade of happiness I can keep going. I might be depressed and angry and frustrated, but I don't want to be alone. More importantly, I don't want to fuck myself over so much I want to commit suicide like I've tried to do so many times before. I want to move on from this dreary path that I've created for myself. I want to live my life...and more importantly, I want to create a future with him. But I can't do that if I don't make myself stronger for him. But how?
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