Undercover Pain

I don't know what to do anymore. I have to postpone almost everything I want now and whenever I talk about my problems, I feel like I'm being insensitive because Mikey has it worse. He has fucking cancer for Christ's sake and there's nothing I can do for him. But what about what is going on with me? How I'm dealing with it? Well, here's the short answer: Shit. I feel like shit because I can't help him. I am shit for not being able to do anything. And I don't want to feel anymore. Just like before. I could be close to losing my second boyfriend (update: fiance) without getting the chance to walk down the aisle like we have planned. But that's not what's bothering me right now. What's bothering me the most, the entirety of my being, is being pissed off at what our last conversation was about. Here's the basis: I want to get a collection of photos, just for around the room, before things start. I made a post on Facebook about how I'm l...

Well, it's official. Next week Tuesday starts the beginning of the healing process. My fiance is going to be poked and prodded and I'm not going to be there for any of it. I can't be there to support him in the slightest. I may be petty, talking about how I have no ability to be there for him, but in my perspective, I need to be there. I'm the fiance, I need to be there for the big things. But isn't that what this blog is about? Talking about my misfortunes and my issues?  So, yeah, I may be petty but I'm allowed. I'm allowed a few hours of crying and worrying if I'm not going to be there for my fiance's most important medical surgery. He's having chemo done for Christ's sake, and despite him being sick and not really wanting to be there for that, I don't really want to miss it. I should be there, holding his hand and comforting him. That's my fucking job and I can't even do that, not properly. This Chicago trip couldn't have ...

I've been a wreck. It's been months since Mikey's back pain has started, and we finally found out what was wrong. He has a 7 centimeter mass in his back, where all the tests (except the ultrasound) points to cancer. This is a literal life-or-death situation and everyone is talking about "be positive, stay happy," How can I stay happy when I could lose the love of my life to cancer? I'm especially frustrated that they didn't figure this out sooner. We could have started treatments and everything else that much quicker and faster. Perhaps all of this could have been fixed already. It took two emergency room visits to diagnose him and that's even worse. But at least now that he has been diagnosed he can be healed - hopefully. I'm trying to stay positive, but they don't even know which type of cancer. We're hoping that it's testicular, due to the 99.1% success rate. However, due to the possibility of it being testicular, there's a goo...