Always Right

I don't know what to do anymore. I have to postpone almost everything I want now and whenever I talk about my problems, I feel like I'm being insensitive because Mikey has it worse. He has fucking cancer for Christ's sake and there's nothing I can do for him. But what about what is going on with me? How I'm dealing with it? Well, here's the short answer: Shit. I feel like shit because I can't help him. I am shit for not being able to do anything. And I don't want to feel anymore. Just like before. I could be close to losing my second boyfriend (update: fiance) without getting the chance to walk down the aisle like we have planned.

But that's not what's bothering me right now. What's bothering me the most, the entirety of my being, is being pissed off at what our last conversation was about. Here's the basis: I want to get a collection of photos, just for around the room, before things start. I made a post on Facebook about how I'm looking for someone to do those particular photos and his uncle Jeremy, the angel that he is, managed to find someone (a professional) to do the photos for free. But it's taking time, time we don't have that could make Mikey lose his hair, which isn't what I want. I discussed this with Mikey, and he started to basically yell at me saying that I'm being pushy and that I shouldn't do that for someone who is going out of their way to help us cause they will rescind their offer to help us. I get where he's coming from, but he has no idea where I am coming from. I need these pictures, before all of the faded hairlines and the bald heads, before all of the bad days and the nausea, before all of the quiet moments and whispered hatreds. I need these pictures before he slowly starts losing who he is, and I don't know who he is anymore. I need these pictures before he's all quiet and non-existent. I need these pictures before everything gets bad. And he doesn't know that. He doesn't want to know that because he wants to be right. And the bad thing? I'll let him.

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