Positive?
Well, it's official. Next week Tuesday starts the beginning of the healing process. My fiance is going to be poked and prodded and I'm not going to be there for any of it. I can't be there to support him in the slightest. I may be petty, talking about how I have no ability to be there for him, but in my perspective, I need to be there. I'm the fiance, I need to be there for the big things. But isn't that what this blog is about? Talking about my misfortunes and my issues? So, yeah, I may be petty but I'm allowed. I'm allowed a few hours of crying and worrying if I'm not going to be there for my fiance's most important medical surgery. He's having chemo done for Christ's sake, and despite him being sick and not really wanting to be there for that, I don't really want to miss it. I should be there, holding his hand and comforting him. That's my fucking job and I can't even do that, not properly. This Chicago trip couldn't have come at a worse time, but it's something that I need to do. I need a break, from life, from everything. But I just hope everything goes well.
Until then, I can't be the emotional, egotistical girl I am about this. So, I've decided to do the worst thing I can do right now. I'm going to bottle my emotions in. I'm not going to tell people how I feel because I'm just going to scare people more than they already are. I have to be strong for Mikey and if that means putting my bulletproof shield up, then that's what I have to do. This has been as hard for me as it was when Alexx committed suicide, maybe even worse, and I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since before we found out about his cancer. So maybe two months of retched sleep? I don't know.
And what's even worse from all of this? There's a possibility of the chemotherapy removing the chance of us having children of our own. His sperm is going to have a lower chance to be able to get me pregnant, or something like that. I don't know the special medical term for it, but I know it's not good. We've always talked about having kids and now we can't even have a single one of our own. Our idea of a family is just about ruined. And I know what everyone is saying. "You can always adopt. Adoption is the answer. Don't give up, there's always a choice for something." That's not what we wanted. We wanted a full-fledged family of three kids, and now that idea now has been vanquished. I mean, we've had a plan ever since we met. Get married, have a family. And now, the only options we have is sperm banking for later and adoption. I doubt the sperm would work, what with all his issues right now trying to finish and everything. So that just leaves adoption. I wanted to be a mother, in every possible way, but if it comes down to Mikey's health or a baby, then I would choose Mikey any day. He's the love of my life, my passions, my world. I wouldn't have life any other way with him and I'm glad we chose each other. Nothing else matters right now to me than getting him better - and that's what I plan to do. My world will not die, and I am going to stay positive. Or at least try.
Until then, I can't be the emotional, egotistical girl I am about this. So, I've decided to do the worst thing I can do right now. I'm going to bottle my emotions in. I'm not going to tell people how I feel because I'm just going to scare people more than they already are. I have to be strong for Mikey and if that means putting my bulletproof shield up, then that's what I have to do. This has been as hard for me as it was when Alexx committed suicide, maybe even worse, and I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since before we found out about his cancer. So maybe two months of retched sleep? I don't know.
And what's even worse from all of this? There's a possibility of the chemotherapy removing the chance of us having children of our own. His sperm is going to have a lower chance to be able to get me pregnant, or something like that. I don't know the special medical term for it, but I know it's not good. We've always talked about having kids and now we can't even have a single one of our own. Our idea of a family is just about ruined. And I know what everyone is saying. "You can always adopt. Adoption is the answer. Don't give up, there's always a choice for something." That's not what we wanted. We wanted a full-fledged family of three kids, and now that idea now has been vanquished. I mean, we've had a plan ever since we met. Get married, have a family. And now, the only options we have is sperm banking for later and adoption. I doubt the sperm would work, what with all his issues right now trying to finish and everything. So that just leaves adoption. I wanted to be a mother, in every possible way, but if it comes down to Mikey's health or a baby, then I would choose Mikey any day. He's the love of my life, my passions, my world. I wouldn't have life any other way with him and I'm glad we chose each other. Nothing else matters right now to me than getting him better - and that's what I plan to do. My world will not die, and I am going to stay positive. Or at least try.
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