Undercover Pain

People think being happy is situational. You're either happy or you're not. There are three main feelings that you're allowed to feel: happy, sad, or mad. But that's not it. Those three feelings don't amount to the feelings that are available. There's anxiety, there's depression, there are these feelings that is kind of hard for other people to discuss - that is kind of hard to discuss because people don't know how to discuss it. In my personal life, I feel like I'm a burden just by bringing up those words and my problems to anyone. Depression. Anxiety. Those are all intense words that can cripple a person and perhaps haunt them to the core. However, no one really cares. I've learned that it doesn't matter because if it's not a part of their lives, they shy away from it. I've asked myself the same question every single day for the past few years. Why would they care about me? Why do I exist? Why do I matter? Why should any of these ...

I'm honestly going to start just venting in here because I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone anymore about anything. I feel so alone and like such a burden that whenever I actually communicate my feelings, it seems like no one wants to listen. Over on my parent's side, it seems like the only thing they want to talk about is everything besides what I'm going through and enjoys shit talking Mikey and covers it up with a "I'm not trying to hurt yours or Mikey's feelings, but" and that's what always happens. There's always a but, actually, then again, etc. What happened to: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" Did that just fly out of the window? Mom is completely ok, she doesn't backtalk, she doesn't say much in the way of Mikey, but she agrees. And that, in some ways, could be construed as worse. Over in Mikey World, it's secrecy and other shit. I barely consider myself a part of t...

I don't know why I'm here anymore. Every single time I bring up any of my problems, people around here look at me like I'm a burden and I usually feel it. Everyone could realize that they have had enough of me and everyone deserves more than the person I am. I'm a burden, I'm a pain, I'm someone that isn't needed. I've faked all the happiness that I show my parents, faking the words that I tell them. It's all just a façade. Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I should leave until people learn to actually give a shit: about the wedding, about me, about how they should realize I'm a part of this family until Mikey says otherwise, whether they like it or not. Everyone and their mother think they have a say in our relationship and future marriage, but to be honest, this relationship is about two people: Mikey and Nikki - which is me and him. His mother has to realize that because right now, it feels like she's more involved than she should be. There a...

Today has been a terrible day for me, from getting dropped off by Mom to when Mikey passed out. All the problems basically started when I wanted to talk to Mom. I was inside my head, like usual, thinking about the future. There was a possibility that Mikey and I won't be able to conceive our own children, due to the chemotherapy having the small chance of dwindling his sperm count. I knew she lost a child when I was younger, and I wanted to talk to her about the feeling of her not being able to have that child and despite it being a hard subject for her, I knew she'd talk to me about it. But I never even got to talk to her about it before Dad butted in, sending me a text that said, "Mom is unable to talk to you right now. She is exhausted and nearly passed out on numerous occasions this evening. If you need to talk, I am available. Otherwise, you'll have to reschedule to another day next week." I explained to him that he couldn't help me with what I needed to...

Depression sucks. One day, I am laughing and loving life and then there's another day where I am underneath the covers unwilling to come out because the sounds of life forces me to feel the worst of the bad feelings that are picked out specifically for my extreme, bad, and evil days where I am just unable to function. The covers are a shield that protects me from the feelings of discomfort but there is still that sliver, that small sprout of the open cold spaces that is my depression. My depression is like a fire, some days a beautiful energy that allows me to live my life like a glorious fire dancer that belongs in a marvelous circus, other days not even a flicker of light is allowed. Depression is never just one thing. It's never just one feeling. In my own experience, depression comes in many forms but it's always accompanied with all forms of anxiety. And the combination of those two evil beings is like a cacophony of dangerous feelings and emotions that I am just unabl...

I really love how I'm being poked and prodded by confident people with sticks that know exactly where to hit my emotions at just the right spot for me to break down and feel unworthy. Everything in my life is crashing down, and yet, I'm such a good faker that no one seems to realize I'm actually always feeling helpless and alone. Can you blame me? I've had really good practice working at it. These days, I'm just an insignificant being in a Will/Buckley household, an outsider in a group of family members when I should be the most significant one. Between Mikey, his mother, his father, and his father's girlfriend, plus everyone else in his family, I'm used to being left out. When I tell his mother to talk to me when she meets with doctors, she conveniently forgets. When I talk to Heather, Mike's girlfriend, about anything other than cancer or what's happening at the current second, it's "focus on the cancer, focus on how Mikey's feeling....