Initiatives & Facades
I don't know why I'm here anymore. Every single time I bring up any of my problems, people around here look at me like I'm a burden and I usually feel it. Everyone could realize that they have had enough of me and everyone deserves more than the person I am. I'm a burden, I'm a pain, I'm someone that isn't needed. I've faked all the happiness that I show my parents, faking the words that I tell them. It's all just a façade.
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I should leave until people learn to actually give a shit: about the wedding, about me, about how they should realize I'm a part of this family until Mikey says otherwise, whether they like it or not. Everyone and their mother think they have a say in our relationship and future marriage, but to be honest, this relationship is about two people: Mikey and Nikki - which is me and him. His mother has to realize that because right now, it feels like she's more involved than she should be.
There are things we both need to discuss: where we go from here, how we want to handle wedding funds, everything that is between us. Both of us are letting people walk all over us and make our decisions for us when it should just be us and there's so much stress there that neither of us know how to handle. There are some days when the stress gets to be so bad that I just want to give up but then I know I could never leave Mikey. He's my person, the one, the person that I would move the moon for if he asked. He says he wants to marry me and not even move the wedding but when it comes down to it, he doesn't even want to prove it. The only real thing he's done is plan flowers on the day that we went to meet Rachel, the flower lady, last week - and that's probably because he was forced to tag along. There are other bits and bobs that he's done like tally everything up and make a final budget but that's all I've really seen. There is so much to do that can be done early that isn't even really on his radar. If wedding planning was turned into a seriously competitive video game, maybe he'd want to try, but right now I'm the only one that wants to put an effort into anything. I feel like the only way to get him to do anything is to make him realize I'm seriously hurt by being the only one that gives a shit about anything right now.
I know that everything doesn't have to happen right away but there are things that can be prepared for: guest list, wedding night, wedding cake (since I have no fucking idea how we're going to be able to do the no-frosting thing), alcohol/bar, suits and tuxes, gift registry, his wedding vows, the ring, wedding music. And that's only a small list. There are things that can be planned now, and things that are planned earlier is better. If I'm financially taking care of most of it, I'd like him to get a say in our wedding. Right now, it feels like I'm planning my wedding - not ours. Maybe until I see a real chance in him, this isn't the thing we should be doing. I don't see him wanting to plan anything. And don't give me that "most guys don't plan weddings crap." If they actually want to get married, they'll help and get some stress off of their significant other's back. Right now, everything is racing around and things are speeding up and if I don't get help soon, I'm going to lose it. He sees me struggle and there's nothing to do. Maybe Mom was right and a break would be better, at least until he makes some kind of further initiative. But I can't even imagine leaving him or hurting him.
I don't know what to do anymore...
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I should leave until people learn to actually give a shit: about the wedding, about me, about how they should realize I'm a part of this family until Mikey says otherwise, whether they like it or not. Everyone and their mother think they have a say in our relationship and future marriage, but to be honest, this relationship is about two people: Mikey and Nikki - which is me and him. His mother has to realize that because right now, it feels like she's more involved than she should be.
There are things we both need to discuss: where we go from here, how we want to handle wedding funds, everything that is between us. Both of us are letting people walk all over us and make our decisions for us when it should just be us and there's so much stress there that neither of us know how to handle. There are some days when the stress gets to be so bad that I just want to give up but then I know I could never leave Mikey. He's my person, the one, the person that I would move the moon for if he asked. He says he wants to marry me and not even move the wedding but when it comes down to it, he doesn't even want to prove it. The only real thing he's done is plan flowers on the day that we went to meet Rachel, the flower lady, last week - and that's probably because he was forced to tag along. There are other bits and bobs that he's done like tally everything up and make a final budget but that's all I've really seen. There is so much to do that can be done early that isn't even really on his radar. If wedding planning was turned into a seriously competitive video game, maybe he'd want to try, but right now I'm the only one that wants to put an effort into anything. I feel like the only way to get him to do anything is to make him realize I'm seriously hurt by being the only one that gives a shit about anything right now.
I know that everything doesn't have to happen right away but there are things that can be prepared for: guest list, wedding night, wedding cake (since I have no fucking idea how we're going to be able to do the no-frosting thing), alcohol/bar, suits and tuxes, gift registry, his wedding vows, the ring, wedding music. And that's only a small list. There are things that can be planned now, and things that are planned earlier is better. If I'm financially taking care of most of it, I'd like him to get a say in our wedding. Right now, it feels like I'm planning my wedding - not ours. Maybe until I see a real chance in him, this isn't the thing we should be doing. I don't see him wanting to plan anything. And don't give me that "most guys don't plan weddings crap." If they actually want to get married, they'll help and get some stress off of their significant other's back. Right now, everything is racing around and things are speeding up and if I don't get help soon, I'm going to lose it. He sees me struggle and there's nothing to do. Maybe Mom was right and a break would be better, at least until he makes some kind of further initiative. But I can't even imagine leaving him or hurting him.
I don't know what to do anymore...
Comments
Post a Comment