Insignificant & Alone
I really love how I'm being poked and prodded by confident people with sticks that know exactly where to hit my emotions at just the right spot for me to break down and feel unworthy. Everything in my life is crashing down, and yet, I'm such a good faker that no one seems to realize I'm actually always feeling helpless and alone. Can you blame me? I've had really good practice working at it.
These days, I'm just an insignificant being in a Will/Buckley household, an outsider in a group of family members when I should be the most significant one. Between Mikey, his mother, his father, and his father's girlfriend, plus everyone else in his family, I'm used to being left out. When I tell his mother to talk to me when she meets with doctors, she conveniently forgets. When I talk to Heather, Mike's girlfriend, about anything other than cancer or what's happening at the current second, it's "focus on the cancer, focus on how Mikey's feeling." I understand that Mikey is the priority at the current millisecond, but as always, I'm being made to feel inferior to people that have been in his life for more than I have. If I'm not a Will, I have no place in his life. I'm just the homemaker, the one who pays the bills, the one who has to slowly kill herself by staying at a job that she hates. But no, you have to be adult. You have to be at work even when your fiance is dealing with a major surgery. I've seen videos, and it's not just a simple surgery that can be fixed with a Band-Aid. But everyone can take off except for me because I'm not family. His mom? Months off. His dad? Off when he can. Me? Barely any time off.
In the beginning, I felt a part of this family. I felt wanted. Needed, in every sense of the world. Now? I barely feel like I should even be a part of this section of his life. Not according to his mom. I don't even know what his dad thinks of me. And him? I know he loves me, but there are complications we haven't even discussed because it's "not the right time." I don't even think Mikey wants to get married to me anymore because he's considering pushing the wedding back even farther. Even with the financial issues, it's like nothing about the wedding matters - even before cancer clouded everything. I'm the only one focusing on the wedding, and what if that never changes? Does he still want to be married to me? Right now, I feel so insignificant in his life. I just want to feel wanted in some kind of aspect. It's ridiculous how I can feel so alone with people that used to care for me than my own family that used to make me regret why I was even alive in the first place. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere right now. Not with my family, not with his, not with anyone. And if I don't belong anywhere, where do I really exist? Do I even seriously matter?
These days, I'm just an insignificant being in a Will/Buckley household, an outsider in a group of family members when I should be the most significant one. Between Mikey, his mother, his father, and his father's girlfriend, plus everyone else in his family, I'm used to being left out. When I tell his mother to talk to me when she meets with doctors, she conveniently forgets. When I talk to Heather, Mike's girlfriend, about anything other than cancer or what's happening at the current second, it's "focus on the cancer, focus on how Mikey's feeling." I understand that Mikey is the priority at the current millisecond, but as always, I'm being made to feel inferior to people that have been in his life for more than I have. If I'm not a Will, I have no place in his life. I'm just the homemaker, the one who pays the bills, the one who has to slowly kill herself by staying at a job that she hates. But no, you have to be adult. You have to be at work even when your fiance is dealing with a major surgery. I've seen videos, and it's not just a simple surgery that can be fixed with a Band-Aid. But everyone can take off except for me because I'm not family. His mom? Months off. His dad? Off when he can. Me? Barely any time off.
In the beginning, I felt a part of this family. I felt wanted. Needed, in every sense of the world. Now? I barely feel like I should even be a part of this section of his life. Not according to his mom. I don't even know what his dad thinks of me. And him? I know he loves me, but there are complications we haven't even discussed because it's "not the right time." I don't even think Mikey wants to get married to me anymore because he's considering pushing the wedding back even farther. Even with the financial issues, it's like nothing about the wedding matters - even before cancer clouded everything. I'm the only one focusing on the wedding, and what if that never changes? Does he still want to be married to me? Right now, I feel so insignificant in his life. I just want to feel wanted in some kind of aspect. It's ridiculous how I can feel so alone with people that used to care for me than my own family that used to make me regret why I was even alive in the first place. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere right now. Not with my family, not with his, not with anyone. And if I don't belong anywhere, where do I really exist? Do I even seriously matter?
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