Still Waiting & Hurting

Today has been a terrible day for me, from getting dropped off by Mom to when Mikey passed out. All the problems basically started when I wanted to talk to Mom. I was inside my head, like usual, thinking about the future. There was a possibility that Mikey and I won't be able to conceive our own children, due to the chemotherapy having the small chance of dwindling his sperm count. I knew she lost a child when I was younger, and I wanted to talk to her about the feeling of her not being able to have that child and despite it being a hard subject for her, I knew she'd talk to me about it. But I never even got to talk to her about it before Dad butted in, sending me a text that said, "Mom is unable to talk to you right now. She is exhausted and nearly passed out on numerous occasions this evening. If you need to talk, I am available. Otherwise, you'll have to reschedule to another day next week." I explained to him that he couldn't help me with what I needed to talk to Mom about and that if Mom felt this way herself, she could've just talked to me about it. He got upset and said: "Goodnight. Don't respond back to me please." That really hurt. Mom and Dad are always saying how much I could talk to them if something was going wrong, but when it comes down to the fact when it really happens, they can't be bothered. I knew Mom wasn't feeling well today because I was with her all day, so that's why I just wanted to talk to her about one thing and then I would have said goodnight and left it at that. But the fact that she has to bring my own father in it to fight her own battles with me hurts. So, I decided to drop it and go to my sister about it. She would listen to me, right? Wrong. I said one word to her and all she responded back was: "Nikki, I love you but I don't want the drama." She had no fucking idea what I was going to say but, like usual, she assumed that it was drama-related. Whenever my sister has problems, I need to listen to her every single time she comes to me but when I need her most, she can't even be bothered to lend an ear. Sorry you're going through hell, but you can leave a message at the beep and I'll never respond. I can't really rely on my family when I need it. I can't really rely on anyone right now. Over where I live, with my fiance's family, it's all about cancer 24/7 and how Mikey's feeling and everything involved with Mikey. I'm not even allowed to put my two cents in because I'm not a Will. I'm not family so I don't matter. And despite Mikey's attempts to give me soothing words about how things will change once he's cured, I don't really think it will. I don't have the faith that Mikey always tells me to have. I used to...but I don't have even the slightest idea of how to get it back.

Second part of the shitty day happened when Mikey told me that his family thinks we should postpone the wedding. I got frustrated with that because it always seems that someone in either of our families are trying to push us away from each other. My family doesn't like him, I don't really know how his family feels about me anymore. All I really believe is whatever I postpone, doesn't happen. Birthday parties. Times to hang out with friends. Who's to say if Mikey and I postpone the wedding, later down the road, he won't change his mind? We are already having problems connecting and communicating, which is both of our faults. It could get worse to the point he won't want to marry me anymore and I'll lose the only thing in my life that actually has any meaning. I don't really know how I'll be able to hold onto the small light thoughts that make me want to prevent me from going far into my dark thoughts. There are some days where I feel like if I cry, I won't be able to stop. But Mikey always brings me back to the present and reminds me of what I'm here for. Him.

Last problematic thing of the day actually involves him. I've been trying to make sure he stays healthy, not just physically, but emotionally and everything else in between. After chemo, what's left? Him. Eating healthy, making sure his hygiene is taken care of, making sure he's sleeping well. The problem is he doesn't really listen to me. I've tried making sure he's healthy, in every aspect, but he doesn't even want to hear what I have to say.  Tonight, we were supposed to take a shower but he kept putting it off so I didn't even want to bother with him anymore. Prying doesn't work with him, talking doesn't work with him, I honestly don't know what else I can do to make him understand that he needs to take care of himself if he wants to be healthy. Trust me, I know how it is. I've had issues with hygiene all my life and not listening to people just made me lose people that were trying to help me. I'm not saying I'm going to leave him if he doesn't start taking care of himself, but he needs to know that there are things that he's not doing that needs to be done. He's not sleeping. He's not keeping up with hygiene. He's not even trying to be healthy. He's not trying, period. I know I'm not one to talk. There are things we both have to work on, but if he wants to try, it would really help both of us. It would get us into a routine of taking care of each other, and I think that would help tremendously. But I can't help someone who doesn't give a damn.

I don't know what I'm going to do...but I know a lot of things need to change. Some on my part, some on others. I just know I can't handle being the one who actually gives a shit about everything. There are some days when I need people to be there for me, but where are these heroes when I really need them? Where's my person that's always there for me? I guess I'm still waiting...and still hurting.