Left Behind

I'm honestly going to start just venting in here because I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone anymore about anything. I feel so alone and like such a burden that whenever I actually communicate my feelings, it seems like no one wants to listen. Over on my parent's side, it seems like the only thing they want to talk about is everything besides what I'm going through and enjoys shit talking Mikey and covers it up with a "I'm not trying to hurt yours or Mikey's feelings, but" and that's what always happens. There's always a but, actually, then again, etc. What happened to: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" Did that just fly out of the window? Mom is completely ok, she doesn't backtalk, she doesn't say much in the way of Mikey, but she agrees. And that, in some ways, could be construed as worse. Over in Mikey World, it's secrecy and other shit. I barely consider myself a part of that world anymore because I'm not treated that way. I only really consider me and Mikey to be a world of our own because that's not as bad as usual, despite the fighting. He literally, basically said he doesn't want me around, and do I blame him? No. But I'm sorry I'd like to spend time with my fiancé. But I guess being with him 24/7 is too claustrophobic for him. I'm seriously considering moving back home, even though I don't really feel like I belong there either. I wish there was a kind of middle ground that I could go to where it could just be me and Mikey, but that's impossible too. Even when Mikey and I went to see Laura (my therapist) to discuss these problems, Mikey barely said a word and then there was a portion where he was on his phone - checking Facebook. Now I know it may not have been the most pleasant thing that I asked him to do, but he could have at least been courteous and polite and kept his phone in his pocket. Going on his phone made me think that what I was bringing up didn't even matter, that I wasn't valued enough to even been given attention. I mean, maybe, to him, I was just running my mouth yet again, talking about the same old crap. But he showed that he didn't even want to be there. Sorry, Mikey. Thought you were the one that wanted to be involved in my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I was imagining that?

 I don't really think we can do all of this, that I can do all of this. I have to pay half of the bills, pay for the wedding, pay for basically everything until Mikey can get better and go back to work. I feel stressed with everything I have to do, and there's no way around it without cancelling or postponing the wedding and that's just something we're not willing to do. If I am the one to do this, there is no possible legroom around paying for anything of mine besides medications which is a simple 15 dollars anyways. But even then, I'm not factored into any of this at all. There is no "Nikki budget," not even a little bit. And according to the doctor, we don't even know when Mikey will be able to go back to work yet. So, that means months upon months of hammering down and paying for everything.

 Mikey says that after all the chemo and everything is all done and he's cancer-free, everything can go back to normal. I don't even really know what is normal anymore and I can't even seem to remember where Mikey starts and I end. I'm still a caretaker's wife, and until he's completely healed, hallelujah, and all that jazz, I'm not allowed to become anything else. Not with my money at least. Not with money, not with time, not with anything. So, until then, I'm just going to vent my feelings in here. Until then, I'll keep quiet. Until then, I'm a silent sorceress, left behind in a place where his cancer didn't exist and we actually acted like a couple and considered feelings and communicated. Some of these problems are my own, but I can't voice them if I don't feel like I'm being heard. And right now, I'm about as heard as a fly trying to communicate to a giant. When will this change?

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