Undercover Pain

People think being happy is situational. You're either happy or you're not. There are three main feelings that you're allowed to feel: happy, sad, or mad. But that's not it. Those three feelings don't amount to the feelings that are available. There's anxiety, there's depression, there are these feelings that is kind of hard for other people to discuss - that is kind of hard to discuss because people don't know how to discuss it. In my personal life, I feel like I'm a burden just by bringing up those words and my problems to anyone. Depression. Anxiety. Those are all intense words that can cripple a person and perhaps haunt them to the core. However, no one really cares. I've learned that it doesn't matter because if it's not a part of their lives, they shy away from it. I've asked myself the same question every single day for the past few years. Why would they care about me? Why do I exist? Why do I matter? Why should any of these ...

I'm honestly going to start just venting in here because I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone anymore about anything. I feel so alone and like such a burden that whenever I actually communicate my feelings, it seems like no one wants to listen. Over on my parent's side, it seems like the only thing they want to talk about is everything besides what I'm going through and enjoys shit talking Mikey and covers it up with a "I'm not trying to hurt yours or Mikey's feelings, but" and that's what always happens. There's always a but, actually, then again, etc. What happened to: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?" Did that just fly out of the window? Mom is completely ok, she doesn't backtalk, she doesn't say much in the way of Mikey, but she agrees. And that, in some ways, could be construed as worse. Over in Mikey World, it's secrecy and other shit. I barely consider myself a part of t...

I don't know why I'm here anymore. Every single time I bring up any of my problems, people around here look at me like I'm a burden and I usually feel it. Everyone could realize that they have had enough of me and everyone deserves more than the person I am. I'm a burden, I'm a pain, I'm someone that isn't needed. I've faked all the happiness that I show my parents, faking the words that I tell them. It's all just a façade. Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I should leave until people learn to actually give a shit: about the wedding, about me, about how they should realize I'm a part of this family until Mikey says otherwise, whether they like it or not. Everyone and their mother think they have a say in our relationship and future marriage, but to be honest, this relationship is about two people: Mikey and Nikki - which is me and him. His mother has to realize that because right now, it feels like she's more involved than she should be. There a...

Today has been a terrible day for me, from getting dropped off by Mom to when Mikey passed out. All the problems basically started when I wanted to talk to Mom. I was inside my head, like usual, thinking about the future. There was a possibility that Mikey and I won't be able to conceive our own children, due to the chemotherapy having the small chance of dwindling his sperm count. I knew she lost a child when I was younger, and I wanted to talk to her about the feeling of her not being able to have that child and despite it being a hard subject for her, I knew she'd talk to me about it. But I never even got to talk to her about it before Dad butted in, sending me a text that said, "Mom is unable to talk to you right now. She is exhausted and nearly passed out on numerous occasions this evening. If you need to talk, I am available. Otherwise, you'll have to reschedule to another day next week." I explained to him that he couldn't help me with what I needed to...

Depression sucks. One day, I am laughing and loving life and then there's another day where I am underneath the covers unwilling to come out because the sounds of life forces me to feel the worst of the bad feelings that are picked out specifically for my extreme, bad, and evil days where I am just unable to function. The covers are a shield that protects me from the feelings of discomfort but there is still that sliver, that small sprout of the open cold spaces that is my depression. My depression is like a fire, some days a beautiful energy that allows me to live my life like a glorious fire dancer that belongs in a marvelous circus, other days not even a flicker of light is allowed. Depression is never just one thing. It's never just one feeling. In my own experience, depression comes in many forms but it's always accompanied with all forms of anxiety. And the combination of those two evil beings is like a cacophony of dangerous feelings and emotions that I am just unabl...

I really love how I'm being poked and prodded by confident people with sticks that know exactly where to hit my emotions at just the right spot for me to break down and feel unworthy. Everything in my life is crashing down, and yet, I'm such a good faker that no one seems to realize I'm actually always feeling helpless and alone. Can you blame me? I've had really good practice working at it. These days, I'm just an insignificant being in a Will/Buckley household, an outsider in a group of family members when I should be the most significant one. Between Mikey, his mother, his father, and his father's girlfriend, plus everyone else in his family, I'm used to being left out. When I tell his mother to talk to me when she meets with doctors, she conveniently forgets. When I talk to Heather, Mike's girlfriend, about anything other than cancer or what's happening at the current second, it's "focus on the cancer, focus on how Mikey's feeling....

I've considered suicide almost 30 times now and actually attempted it at least 5 times. I've had a shitty life. My mom and dad gave me a good life, but I was never any better than my sister. All throughout my almost 21 years of living on this Earth, I would hear: Jenny did this, Jenny did that, Why can't you be more like your sister? All this time, I feel like I've been treated second...and it's true. I came second. There's nothing I've done to be proud of. Since I've started dating Mikey, they've moved away from me like I was The Black Plague. I've never had them be proud of me before, why start now? I just feel like I can never do anything right by them, no matter what I do. There are certain moments of clarity but there's barely anything there anymore. But it's not like I can just drop them completely. And over here isn't any different. It's all about Mikey over here: what medicines he's taking, how chemo is going, how he...

I don't know what to do anymore. I have to postpone almost everything I want now and whenever I talk about my problems, I feel like I'm being insensitive because Mikey has it worse. He has fucking cancer for Christ's sake and there's nothing I can do for him. But what about what is going on with me? How I'm dealing with it? Well, here's the short answer: Shit. I feel like shit because I can't help him. I am shit for not being able to do anything. And I don't want to feel anymore. Just like before. I could be close to losing my second boyfriend (update: fiance) without getting the chance to walk down the aisle like we have planned. But that's not what's bothering me right now. What's bothering me the most, the entirety of my being, is being pissed off at what our last conversation was about. Here's the basis: I want to get a collection of photos, just for around the room, before things start. I made a post on Facebook about how I'm l...

Well, it's official. Next week Tuesday starts the beginning of the healing process. My fiance is going to be poked and prodded and I'm not going to be there for any of it. I can't be there to support him in the slightest. I may be petty, talking about how I have no ability to be there for him, but in my perspective, I need to be there. I'm the fiance, I need to be there for the big things. But isn't that what this blog is about? Talking about my misfortunes and my issues?  So, yeah, I may be petty but I'm allowed. I'm allowed a few hours of crying and worrying if I'm not going to be there for my fiance's most important medical surgery. He's having chemo done for Christ's sake, and despite him being sick and not really wanting to be there for that, I don't really want to miss it. I should be there, holding his hand and comforting him. That's my fucking job and I can't even do that, not properly. This Chicago trip couldn't have ...

I've been a wreck. It's been months since Mikey's back pain has started, and we finally found out what was wrong. He has a 7 centimeter mass in his back, where all the tests (except the ultrasound) points to cancer. This is a literal life-or-death situation and everyone is talking about "be positive, stay happy," How can I stay happy when I could lose the love of my life to cancer? I'm especially frustrated that they didn't figure this out sooner. We could have started treatments and everything else that much quicker and faster. Perhaps all of this could have been fixed already. It took two emergency room visits to diagnose him and that's even worse. But at least now that he has been diagnosed he can be healed - hopefully. I'm trying to stay positive, but they don't even know which type of cancer. We're hoping that it's testicular, due to the 99.1% success rate. However, due to the possibility of it being testicular, there's a goo...

I really like being told that I'm a liar or my opinions don't matter, especially from my family. Since my last blog post, I finally decided to open up and actually discuss what Alexx did to me: the rape, the abuse, everything. However, when I chose to speak to other people about my problems, other things came up as well. First of all, I don't want to insinuate that I am any way ungrateful to the people that are helping me get through all my problems. I love them for actually showing that they want me to work through all of this pain that I'm dealing with and proving that I mean more to them that a silly little blip on a screen because, to be honest, that's all these words are anymore - a blip of my personality on a computer screen for all you readers to embrace as exactly who I am. Me. That's it. But, as I said, there are cons to telling a minor few people on the details on my rape. People watch me closer than ever now. They start asking the questions that p...

It's been a year since I've started dating my fiance Mikey and it's more intense than ever. We love each other more than anything, but there are times when it's hard. Sometimes, he games for hours on end and completely forgets about me. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize that I'm in the same room. Sometimes, I feel like how I used to be. Invisible. Unnoticed. Alone. I worry about those moments because I get scared that I could get bad again. Fall into my old patterns of listening to the voices and start harming myself again. Mentally (hearing the voices and agreeing that I'm worthless), emotionally (accepting that I am indeed worthless and unwanted), and physically (cutting, scratching, taking pills). I worry about the bad days when I can't stop the voices or the thoughts or anything. Mikey doesn't know that it's getting bad again, and I don't want him to. I want him to believe that I am okay, that I can make it through this, that I am stro...